"My strength lies solely in my tenacity."

I didn't write a blog last week because I had NO idea what to write about. It was just one of those "eh weeks". This week...whole different story. It was more than an "eh week"...it was a "I want to give up, I can't do this, no way do I want to keep going, give me ice cream and cookies and french fries and bread and let me sit in my room, by myself, and stuff my face kind of week"!! And guess what, on Friday, I would have been MORE than okay with that!


I had a bad couple of days toward the end of the week. Nothing in particular, just in a mood. The end of the weeks are always the hardest for me. Monday starts off great, I see my trainer Tuesday through Thursday and Thursday evening is when the exhaustion kicks in. Friday is always pretty miserable but starting off Saturday morning with a great gym session definitely spruces things up. The weekend goes by okay and then Monday I'm off to a great start again! Sounds a little bi-polar, I know, but it is what I've been feeling for about the last three months and at this point, I'm just embracing it as it is what it is.


It was Friday afternoon and it was pouring rain outside. Food consumed my every thought! Yogurtland with chunks of cookie dough and cheesecake pieces, donuts, carne asada nachos, french fries, cookies, red velvet cupcakes, anything and EVERYTHING  that had to do with food was taking over every inch of my brain! I can't do this! I thought to myself. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to Yogurtland, getting a heaping thing of yogurt and treats, going home, crawling under the covers, and devouring the whole thing! Savoring every single bite and not feeling a bit guilty! I have never thought about food, and crappy food, in the way I think about it now! You would think that I was a heavy kid growing up and I was in the process of going back to my old ways. It's pretty sad actually! Well, as I let those thoughts take over my every brain cell, I started crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I sent one of my best friend's a text that read, "I'm depressed...don't think I want to do this competition anymore!!" She called me within a second and literally talked me down from the ledge! She reminded me how long I have been wanting to do this. How much time and energy I have put into this training. How hard I've worked! The results I've seen! And yet, on my side of the phone, all I could do was cry. Cry to the point that I couldn't breathe enough to even get a word out. So I just listened. She told me how proud she was of me and how I only had a short period of time left and reminded me that I've been doing this since November!! Why stop now she asked. I said, "I just want to eat! I want to do what everyone else is doing and not feel guilty about it. Maybe I'm okay with the way my body is now. Maybe I don't need to get to into "figure show shape". Maybe I'll just keep training hard but if I want to eat, gosh darn it I'm going to eat!" She then spoke some more while I cried and listened. As soon as we got off the phone I text my trainer. Her and I text back and forth for a bit and then talked later on. She let me know her struggles that she went and still goes through at times. How it's totally normal to feel this way and to share my every thought with her. She let me know that I'm not crazy or bipolar and she too reminded me how far I've come. She allowed me a cheat meal on Friday night to ease my mind and it would also speed up my metabolism and shock my body. But eight weeks out, I was slightly worried this would hurt me. She said, "It will do more good at the point then bad." So Matt and I went to Fleming's and had an extremely guilt-less meal! Bread, salad, steak, potatoes, and carrot cake for dessert! My stomach you ask?...well that didn't feel too great that night and in the morning...I felt so puffy and dehydrated BUT the meal was delicious, the company was even better, and the workout I had that morning was fantastic! Kristi, my trainer, checked on me Saturday afternoon and reminded me again of everything she did before. I then went grocery shopping and stocked up on all the essentials and have been cooking the last couple days so that I'm prepared to take on the week!


I have eight more weeks (sounds so much shorter than two months!)! I can do this! Erika was right, I can do this because I have wanted this for so long!! Why give up now?! I would be so upset with myself later if I gave up, especially, being this close. I may have one more breakdown, I may have eight, who knows?! But at the end, on June 9, it will ALL be worth it!




"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."